May 19, 2009

24 hours to live...

She has only 24 hours to live. The future was uncertain. The world was gloomy and suddenly turned to nowhere to go. I was not ready for a life long battle. Indeed, it was one of the saddest days in our lives.

She was a healthy baby in the womb. We, and even my gynae, could not predict that she'd born as a preterm baby. Even worst, we did not know her gender until she was born (her positions varies everytime we 'looked' at her). Everything was ok and everything happened so fast too! This journey was and is actually her destiny! She chose to be the one.

On that particular day, specifically on Wednesday, 16 January 2008, I received a phone call from HSB around 3 pm, required me to be in NICU immediately. The nurse who called me spoke gently and called me twice. I said I've to wait for my husband. My husband came back around 4.30 pm and immediately brought me to the hospital. I was resting at home alone. Mom was in Mekah, MIL took care of my kids at her house.

At NICU, one of the nurses came and took my blood. I was really calm. Dr. S came to us and asked us to sit on a sofa at one corner nearby the pantry. We waited. Then about half an hour she came again and explained what's going on with our daughter. I did not cry just yet!

I was so emotional when I looked at her condition. I could remember her chubby cheeks the first day she was born, turned to be so skinny. Pale. Almost no blood at all. Wires and drugs were everywhere to be seen. And not to forget the breathing support machine too. No reaction at all.

There were several complications. She stopped to breath (apnea), lungs hemorrhage (one of the vessels in her lung suddenly exploded) and when she lost her blood, meaning she lost the oxygen too. The oxygen is significant for all body parts especially the brain. Consequently, it led to a brain injury called intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH). As a result of this condition, her CSF couldn't be absorbed naturally as the blood clot has obstructed the channel.

I tried to control my emotion as much as I could as I knew that she'd feel the same way too. Dr. S came to me and pat on my shoulder trying to console me. I knew that I've to be strong and showed her how much we supported for her to continue living. Once in a while I would cry quietly - in the pantry while breast pumping, in the waiting room but it must be not in front of her. I tried to justify on what should I do next and what would happen to our lives in future.

I could not stay in HSB that night as the bed was full. To rest, me and my husband would stay for a while in the waiting room. Dr IH, the head allowed us to be in HSB for unlimited period and he even spoke to the guard to let us in whenever we liked to be in. He said to the guard that our daughter was in a critical condition.

I entered and exited NICU many times. At one time around 9 pm, we met Dr IH when he was checking and examining Syafiah. He explained that in next 24 hours was a very crucial period. That she might only have 24 hours to live. They have to monitor her very closely. I also noticed that he set the breathing machine to the max. He said it was necessary since her lungs was very weak after the complications but at the same time, he was afraid of the consequence, the lungs might collapse! If it was collapsed then there's nothing more that they and we could do.

I waited and prayed all the time. Deep inside my heart I was badly hurt. I was helpless as I could not perform Hajat prayer and could not recite Quran too (more to calm myself down), mom was unreachable, only left my husband and God to turn myself to. We returned home on 12 am with heavy hearts. If I stay, I could not rest properly, if I go home, I would leave our daughter there. But even if I stay, there's nothing much I could do except for waiting and watching her (plus doa continuously). We left it for Allah swt to take care of her.

When she survived that night I realized that she could make it and survive another night. I knew that she has the determination to continue and fight for her life. To see her determination, it has lifted my spirit up. I must be strong for her and I should not be defeated by a small baby who is a tough fighter. She herself is a miracle sent by God to us.

I'm glad today that I did that for Syafiah. We've been through one of the saddest days in our lives and we wish a future full of joy and miracles ahead! InsyaAllah.. ameen...

I wrote an entry yesterday and deleted it few minutes after that. If you guys have read it, please forgive me for showing my stupidity (again and again!).


Noina said...

salam..ina slalu tgk blog mama syafiah kat blog jiey..tapi slalu tak berkesempatan nak klik..apapun..kita di aliran yang sama..

bersalin kat Sg.Buloh jugak ker..?tinggal kat ner?

suealeen said...

ala... dah banyak kali dah letak remark kat blog awak...

saya tak bersalin di HSB, cuma Syafiah ditakdirkan dibawa ke HSB. boleh baca lanjut di 'About Her'.

thanks for visiting anyway!

Mrs. Izwan said...

never thought that i could meet somebody with real experience like this

u memang tabah
sy dlu pon when my baby admitted after less than 24hours deliver cause of blood xbrenti2 menangis tgok dia kene cucuk n masuk air..ari2 cucuk amek darah.. menjerit2 si kecik
xsangka ada lagi org yg lagi perit dr pengalaman sy.

hope syafiah sihat sejahtera n continue growing up 2 be a clever girl.. anyway my baby name was umairah saffiyah.. similar 2 syafiah..hehehe


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