Kenangan anak-anak semasa kecil...

Bila baca satu topik dalam satu forum yang saya sertai, saya tersenyum sendirian mengenangkan ragam anak² saya semasa mereka masih kecil.


Mastura adalah anak ayah masa usia dia baya-baya ni (ke bawah). Setiap malam dia akan mencari ayahnya untuk tidur. Dia akan merangkak mencari si ayah, naik ke atas riba & akan dipangku sehingga terlena. Kadangkala ayah akan balik lambat dari pejabat. Dia mengantuk tapi tiada tempat untuk 'lena'. Tidak pernah mengamuk, tapi mata buntang saja menonton tv atau pun bermain sendirian. Sehinggalah ayahnya pulang.

Teringat masa ni, badan dia sangat mantap. Mencecah setahun berat badan dia 12 kg. Bam-bam... pipi pun labuh.


Adam pula anak ibu, malah rapat pula dengan maktok (ibu saya). Sekitar 9 malam dah ajak masuk bilik. Dia suka memerap & sambil mengempeng dalam gelap sehinggalah tertidur. Berbeza dengan Mastura, walau pun selepas Adam bercerai susu, dia masih lagi mencari ibu untuk tidur. Saya perlu mengusap belakangnya atau bermain dengan tangannya hingga terlena.

Adam lahir comel-comel saja. Di bawah 3 kg, tidak seperti Mastura ~ 3.4 kg. Tapi bila mencecah setahun beratnya 12 kg juga. Sama seperti kakaknya. Dan sama seperti Mastura, dia juga tidak pandai mengamuk.


Inilah anak yang paling cekal sekali. 77 hari di hospital. Sebulan bersama rakan-rakan, selebihnya sendirian di dalam isolation room & seminggu terakhir dia bersama saya di bilik anak-ibu. Kadang mengenangkan kenangan ini hati saya jadi sayu. Betapa teguhnya dia walau tanpa kami di sisi. Mengenangkan malam-malam yang dilaluinya di isolation room. Sunyikah dia bila malam menjelma? Mungkinkah rindu untuk menyusu ibu secara terus, yang sebelumnya diberi secara tiub saja.

Namun kini, setelah usianya mencecah hampir 3 tahun, dia tidur sebilik dengan kami (Mastura & Adam tidur di bilik sendiri). Malah adakalanya tidur di atas katil kami. Namun yang menyeronokkan saya ialah dia sering memilih untuk menghimpit saya ketika kami sedang tidur berbanding ayahnya. Dia akan tidur mengiring dengan mukanya menghadap saya. Saya juga terpaksa mengiring untuk memberikan laluan kepadanya dan tak boleh bergerak sampai kebas tangan-tangan. Bila diubah jadi lagi. Beberapa malam yang lepas, sedar-sedar kaki dia sedap je landing dekat kepala saya. Punyalah lasak dia tidur. Kata si ayah, nak charge jugak tu...

Syafiah juga amat memilih kasih antara seorang kakak dan abang. Dia lebih tenang bila abangnya memegang & menciumnya, berbanding dengan si kakak. Belum lagi si kakak sentuh, dia sudah berbunyi tanda tidak selesa. Pun begitu, dia juga tidak pandai mengamuk seperti kakak-abang. Cuma sesekali dia akan menangis sebagai tanda protes.

Kenangan-kenangan beginilah yang membuatkan hati seorang ibu seperti saya seolah mahu memutar masa ke belakang dan menghentikan masa agar anak-anak tidak terlalu membesar terlalu cepat. Saya tidak puas melihat Mastura & Adam semasa mereka kecil, namun puas sungguh rasanya melihat Syafiah. Dalam keadaan begitulah, dia masih boleh dibuli dan diuli-uli sepuasnya. Dan saya bersyukur...

Pictures worth thousands word

Click to enlarge these pictures:




Ironically, we don't have a family picture taken during the holiday. However, I'm looking for one more 'celebration' after finishing my 6-days fasting, insyaAllah. Perhaps, we'll take pictures on that day. We also didn't snap any photos at my in-law's house.

Syafiah's current project is:



by having these:


Got a parcel from Akma (RH) on Friday noon just before we went back to kampung. 5 CDs with 10 microfiber inserts.



I'm now searching for the bamboo insert to compare it with the microfiber insert. Anyway, should share about cloth diapers more if I have time in my next entry. Still have few entries owed to the readers. 2 of them are about SPD and how to get through the experience.

Syafiah is active, now and then, especially on the 1st day of Eid. She loves to scream (higher than usual) with both feet kicking in the air, pronounced a few more words, eagers to eat (or testing her teeth) but still haven't got a good sign on heavy meal especially rice. She's indeed a picky eater just like her brother. But they both love to drink plenty of milk. Now she consumes it on 2 hourly basis.

FB brings back the memories...

Sorry, dear friends.. I was really occupied 'godeking' a friend's virtual house until I neglected my own blog. I was bloghopping too but I haven't had the chance to leave a trail.

I spent my time in FB too. Let me share a picture that I found in one of a friends' account. Nampak daku macam sweet je gitu.. hahaha.. perasan..:


Cuba teka saya yang mana satu? Amaran untuk sedara-mara, sepupu-sepapat & adik-beradik tak termasuk dalam peraduan teka gambar ini! Honestly, I haven't changed much physically (mentally included :P). Hehe...

I went to A**s' house few times. It's located in Taman Melawati. I couldn't remember much about this event but I know it was her birthday. I even bought a bed sheet at Alpha Angle one time I went to her house (now became my brother-in-law's property) and tagged her along to Pulau Besar, Melaka. Nak dekat time exam plak tu.. huhu!

I'm so happy to find few old time buddies in FB. Love to look at the familiar faces & photos, knowing news from each other. Seems like a flashback. Definitely, "A moment lasts all of a second, but the memory lives on forever." Ah.. banyak lagilah memori lain kalo nak cerita...

Unfortunately, A**s is facing a trial now. Hope she could make it through. Allah swt is there for all of us. Hanging there. He knows the best for us too. InsyaAllah there'll be a better plan for you. Jangan sedih² k!







p.s. : Hubby and I both joined FB. Sama² chat, sama² main Barn Buddy.. hahaha!

Lost and found in July..

It's about 4.10 am on Monday morning in a village where there's no electricity 31 years ago. We just had the kerosene lamp in the house.

Mom hadn't told me the details of my birth but she told me that she had a retained placenta soon after I was being born. She had the chance to look at my hand, not my face before she collapsed. Later, villagers came to the house and brought her to the hospital which was about 20km from our home. She lost her blood heavily. Unconscious all the way to the hospital.

I couldn't remember anything as I was a baby. Mom said I was the heaviest kid, almost reached 4 kg. She admitted for one week and still weak. I stayed at the house while my adopted parents who were our neighbors and mom's friends kept coming to look after me. I even had my 'ibu susuan' and called her 'mak' and her husband 'ayah'. They were no longer alive these days. Both of them died in the same year with my own biological father. In fact, they were all best friends.

The day my adopted father died mom called me. It was Friday afternoon. She just said, "Ela, ayah Sam hang dah tak dak!". I knew my own dad and him were very sick at the same time. He passed away on 6th July 2001, while my dad followed him too 10 days after on Monday morning. It was silence and I could feel that mom was feeling so sad, the way I did. Not long after that I lost my adopted mom too. Within 100 days since my adopted father died.

I celebrated my birthday that year in sorrow. I felt (and still) so empty and lost. My sister who was born in the same month also felt the same way too. She was 15 and was a candidate for one of the major examinations in school. I didn't know how she managed to get through it. It must be hard for her.

But God has a better plan for me. He sent a soulmate to me when I lost all my loved ones. It wasn't a replacement as nobody could replace my parents but at least his existence had eased me a bit. He was the 1st to hear the news from my sister. He was there to console and talk to me. We just chatted. I talked a lot and he just listened. There's a day he sent me to Puduraya so that I could go home when my father was dying. He waited until I got up on the bus, lending me his sweater while he went home without it in the middle of the cold night.

Indeed, July means so much to me. No one could ever remove those sad memories when July comes every year. Month to be remembered a lot. Month of lost and found. Month that I was born (until jeopardizing my mom's life), lost so many people that I love and found my sweetheart.

It takes a lot of courages to go on. I just hope that future will bring me great deeds, great health, great life ahead, great husband and great children, insyaAllah. May He blesses us in our journey through life. Al-Fatihah for those who had gone to the next phase of life.

Some old pictures of them:


My dad and I. I loved to wear short pant when I was little. "I miss playing with you and talk to you, daddy".


My adopted father on left, Pak Lang in the middle, Pak Njang Imas on right (deceased too). Posing in front of my parents' bungalow.


My adopted mother on right, Nyai in the middle, hidden - my late grandmother. Mak Lang on the left. All have passed away except for Mak Lang.







p.s. : I'll usually wait until 4 am to wish myself a happy birthday. Berbisik dan bermuhasabah tentang apa yang telah dilakukan dan mengharapkan masa depan yang lebih baik. Well I don't expect for a surprise or present. But if you want to give, I'd prefer gadgets (no wonder la kan 2-3 hari ni dok ngidam gadgets especially White MacBook tu :P). Hahahah..

Tag : Tentang anda & 5 kenangan manis..

Tag ini diberikan oleh Dayah, ibu kepada Shukrina Imtiyaz yang comel itu.

Gambar kredit kepada Unplug Your Kids.

1.Berapa umur anda?
Sekitar akhir bulan Julai ni bakal berusia 31 tahun. Ironiknya, masuk awal bulan 8 ni saya akan berusia 32 tahun ikut kalendar Hijrah. Saya dilahirkan dalam bulan Syaaban.


2. Anda berasal?
Asal keturunan saya berasal dari Banjarmasin, Kalimantan. Nenek ibu (moyang saya) berasal dari Timur Tengah. Kalo soklan ni tanya pasal kampung... kampung saya di Perak utara. Bahasa? Rojak..


3.Berapa adik beradik anda? Anak yang ke? Brp lelaki n perempuan?
Adik-beradik 5. Saya penultimate. Semua perempuan.


4.Sekolah terakhir anda?
Sekolah Menengah Seri Perak.


5.Bila terakhir anda memotong rambut?
Tak ingat. Asal panjang je potong.


6. Shampoo apa yang anda gunakan sekarang?
Sunsilk. Jangan gugurkan rambut anda dengan kerap memakai syampu. Akibat kerap memakai syampu juga rambut anda akan cepat beruban <-- tips mak saya. Ibunda memang kurang beruban walau pun usianya kini 64 tahun.


7. Anda gemar menjahit? Kalau tidak nyatakan sebab
Pencipta tag ni semestinya seorang penjahit. Saya suka menjahit tapi mesin jahit tak de. Camne tu?


8.Jika duduk di rumah, adakah anda suka menghias diri
Saya memang seorang surirumah dan sangat tidak suka berhias melampau.


9. Apakah kerja rumah yang paling malas anda hendak lakukan?
Keluar rumah untuk sidai baju & lipat baju.


10. Soalan terakhir.. bagi 5 kenangan MANIS yang tak dapat anda lupakan sampai bila bila

i) Bermain sorok² dengan ayahanda ketika masih kecil. Selalu dilakukan selepas ayahanda balik dari surau seusai solat Isya’. Pernah sekali, menyorok di bawah timbunan pakaian yang belum dilipat sehingga tertidur. Akibatnya hampir dipijak oleh ayahanda sendiri.

ii) Membaca pada usia kurang 4 tahun (tapi saya tidak memaksa anak mengikut jejak langkah saya). Mastura terkehadapan sedikit dengan pandai membaca dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

iii) Belajar berenang dengan ayahanda menggunakan buah nyiok. Ayahanda menggalakkan anak²nya membuat aktiviti lasak dan melakukan sesuatu itu mengikut citarasa sendiri. Dia mengajar anak²nya berdikari.

iv) Bersekolah di sekolah yang best itu. Guru²nya pun berinisiatif dan kreatif. Ada antaranya mengajak pelajar belajar di luar kelas. Contohnya seperti di padang sekolah ditemani oleh embun yang masih melekat di hujung² rumput, di bawah pokok dan di gazebo.

v) Bersahabat, berkawan, bertunang, bernikah dan beranak-pinak dengan cinta hati saya.


Tag ini dipanjangkan kepada:
1) Mirah.
2) Krsty Pinky.
3) Sara @ Awa.
4) Lady of Leisure.
5) a.z.r.i.n.a.03.07.


Tag ini mengingatkan saya tentang zaman kanak² saya yang hebat. Mampukah anak² saya merasakan yang serupa di zaman segalanya menekankan tentang aspek akademik? Sedangkan sepatutnya eksplorasi secara sendiri itu amat penting untuk membuka minda anak untuk lebih berfikir dan berkreatif. Bila minda dijanakan, insyaAllah anak² akan senang untuk belajar. Sesuatu yang amat sukar untuk dilakukan oleh kanak² zaman sekarang.

Red hot memories...

Red Hot.. that's the song I'm listening to right from the morning until now. Gila babas dah speaker makcik ari ni.. aiyarkkk! Nak dengar?

This song reminds me a lot when I was having my one-semester practicum in Taman Eng Ann, Klang (in fact, all of her songs). I was staying with my adopted brother in Kg Jawa. To go and return from work, I bought a green bicycle! Tak nak menyusahkan orang. Furthermore, he's working in Port Klang and went to work very early in the morning, as early as 7 am. When I have my bike, I could go to 'work' on 8 am. It was during Ramadhan too!

Photo credit to maxtravelz.com

Klang was and still one of the busiest towns in Malaysia. Everyday I've to go through a congested area. My route -> his housing area - graveyard - Jalan Uganda - Jalan Kg Jawa - Old Klang (Little India) - bridge (in front of Greatwall) - 100 years roundabout (one of my favorite places) - Taman Eng Ann (road in front of Shell). Why not public transport? Simply because I need to walk to his housing area from the main road for about half an hour!

I was so bored until I bought a walkman. For those who don't know, I love classical/instrumental/rock genre of musics. So I bought cassettes. One of my favorite instrumental players is Vanessa Mae (3 albums tapi mana tah semua kaset dia). Others - Richard Clayderman, Kitaro, U2, Savage Garden, etc. What a taste!

Mana bleh tak crazy dengan her talented skills of playing the violin. Dia menghidupkan lagu² klasikal mengikut music arrangement yang tersendiri. Yang sedap didengari oleh telinga anak muda. Besides, she's just 31 like me. Her 1st album was produced in 1990 when she was only 12 years old! Makcik ni jugak buat konsert seawal tahun 1988.

I once remember to a sister. A kerek type of person even though she was new in the company. She's not my superior but acted like one. I was doing a trace on one plan. It took a little time as I'm the one who stressed on perfection. I was doing it in a software. Suddenly she came and scolded me, "School anto datang sini untuk praktikal, bukan untuk memain". I looked at her and answered calmly, "Kalo akak pandai sangat, akak buat la sendiri". And that particular attitude doesn't stop there, I carry it until now.

She was shocked and didn't expect I would answer her. Later she told my superior until he came to me and asked me what's going on. So, I explained. He said, "Tak takut kantoi praktikal ke?". "Why should I be afraid? You're the one who'd evaluate me, not her". Selamba je aku... and I passed my practical with flying colors, of course! And later I found out that she has annoyed everyone in the company, except the directors! Mentang²lah awak ada master dari USA. But who cares when your attitude doesn't reflect your educational background.

This was the 1st time I bought my Konika, the 1st time I cycled to Klang Parade and the 1st time someone showed his interest in me too! Hahaha...

When I was tracing the plan, I was using this guy's PC. He wasn't there as he returned to his hometown. Let me introduce him as Z. One day, when I was getting my bike to go home, I saw him standing next to it. He was asking me out, but I refused as I was so scared. So I just went home. Sok masuk keje je terus kena usik.. dushhh!

I didn't say much and I didn't give him hopes. We lost contact. Dia established, dah kerja.. and me? Still studying. Kalo tengok age memang tak beza jauh... tapi.... takut beb!

Ended up, I lost my bike at the end of practicum. Sedey tauuu!







p.s. : Mesti ada lagu² yang mengingatkan kita pada beberapa peristiwa. Contoh lagi macam Beat It dan Billy Jeans oleh MJ.. sangat mengimbau kenangan zaman kanak². Petang je my wacko sisters berjemaah kat tingkat atas menari-nari. Adiknya pun nyebok join sekali. Anyway, Al-Fatihah to MJ for those who believed that he's a Muslim, wallahu'alam.

Ibumu Ibuku, Ibuku Ibumu Jua...

Ada orang tak selesa berbicara soal mertua (terutamanya ibu mertua). Ada orang tak selesa bila balik ke rumah mereka. Malah ada yang teragak-agak untuk menyertai mertua memasak di dapur. Ada orang dah kahwin bertahun pun belum tentu rapat dengan mertua.

Alhamdulillah, saya tidak termasuk dalam golongan ini. Saya sentiasa teruja untuk pulang ke kampung suami. Malah adakalanya saya sendiri yang meminta untuk pulang ke sana. Setakat ini, saya bukan hanya rapat dengan mertua, malah dengan kakak dan adik ipar sendiri. Kalau balik ke sana, saya akan pastikan aurat saya di tutup kerana adik ipar dan biras saya semuanya lelaki!

Serba sedikit cerita sebelum kahwin:

1- Saya pernah ke rumahnya sekali dengan menaiki bas. Masa tu jalan Sabak Bernam-Klang tu dalam pembinaan. Perjalanannya sangat mencabar iman.

2- Ibu mertua pernah bersembang dengan saya dalam talian beberapa hari sebelum pernikahan, "Makcik nak tanya ni jangan marah ye! Betul ke sanggup kahwin dengan anak makcik tu? Dia bukannya kaya, kerja pun tak stabil lagi". Saya diam. Dia menyambung, "Makcik takut Sue menyesal je nanti sebab tak tahan hidup dengannya." *saya dapat rasakan mak gementar untuk 'kehilangan' anak sulong lelakinya sedangkan suami boleh dianggap muda ketika itu*.


Selepas kahwin:

1- Saya pernah menangis di hadapannya sekali kerana suatu perkara. Dia masuk ke bilik untuk tujuan memujuk. Apa yang dirancang malam tu tak jadi. Kami sepatutnya pergi menziarah. Sedangkan dia ingin sangat memperkenalkan menantunya ini pada saudara tersebut.

2- Saya pernah diuji membaca al-Quran bersamanya satu pagi di bulan Ramadhan. Bertadarus bersama suami, dia dan adik ipar yang bongsu - Ata. Biasanya mengaji sendiri je. Ni kena baca depan dia. Dah la dia buka kelas pengajian al-Quran. Abis bacaan tunggang-langgang sebab saya terlalu nervous. Banyak dia betulkan.

3- Dia pernah berkata, "Mak dulu masa inai masih merah di jari dah mengandungkan akak (anak sulong dia)". Saya hanya mendiamkan diri. Padahal masa tu saya dah pun mengandung. Saya alah pada halia dan berus gigi. Setiap kali rasa loya di rumahnya, saya akan ke bilik air dan buka paip kuat² sehingga menenggelamkan suara saya sendiri. Saya meminta suami untuk tidak memberitahu sesiapa tentang kehamilan itu. Dia menyedari saya mengandung ketika kandungan saya mencecah 6 bulan (sebab masa ni perut saya baru nampak).

4- Ketika kehamilan yang kedua, dia siap bermimpi seseorang datang kepadanya dengan mengatakan bahawa menantunya kini mengandung lagi!

Kini setelah 6 tahun saya bergelar isteri dan menantu sulong perempuan, saya begitu rapat dengannya. Cuma bila belek² gambar tak de pulak gambar kami bersama. Nantilah saya snap gambar kami, insyaAllah.

Saya seringkali menganggap dia seperti ibu sendiri. Abah begitu juga. Kadangkala bila tak jumpa macam ni saya rasa rindu sangat nak berjumpa mereka. Saya rindu nak borak² dengan mereka malah rindu untuk dipeluk oleh mak mertua saya. Adakalanya rindukan masakannya yang sentiasa berevolusi. Dan rindu juga nak keletung-keletang di dapurnya dan memasak untuk mereka.

Abah misalnya, adakalanya meluahkan perasaan terpendam dan tak puas hatinya tentang sesuatu pada saya. Kadangkala tentang biras saya yang kurang mesra dengan keluarga. Malah kadang tentang kereta. Yang pasti antara keduanya, abah lebih rapat dengan cucu²nya. Bukan mak tak teringin bermesra dengan cucu tapi anak saya ni memilih orangnya. Saya tak ajar tapi mereka sendiri yang lebih suka mengekor si atok dari si opah. Jenuh dah saya pesan pada budak 2 orang tu.

Tapi saya amat suka melihat aksi kedua-dua orang tua suami saya ni. Bersahaja dan mesra antara satu sama lain. Malah kedua-duanya gemar mengusik. Tak hairanlah kalau anak mereka pun mengikut sikap mereka dengan berlaku dan melayan keluarga dengan baik, tak gitu?

Mak pernah berkata, "Sue untung la sebab jadi menantu sulong. Tak de persaingan". Ya, saya beruntung. Saya beruntung bukan sebab saya menantu sulong. Tapi lebih pada itu, saya beruntung sebab mertua saya memahami dan baik orangnya. Saya rasa dihargai terutamanya bila melihat mak masih memakai baju yang saya bagi sejak 7 tahun lepas. Ketika itu kami masih lagi bertunang.

Lepas ni biras saya semuanya perempuan. Saya memang tak sabar juga menanti saat tu tiba tapi risau juga kot dapat biras tak sekepala. Mungkinkah ada yang bersaing atau masak bersama-sama di dapur? Mampukah saya adjust diri memasak dengan orang lain di dapur selain dengan mak mertua dan suami serta adik-beradiknya?







p/s : Tak sabar nak balik kg suami petang ni untuk bertemu dengan wajah² yang ku rindui! Moga hubungan baik kami kekal hingga ke akhir hayat, insyaAllah. Oh ye.. sebelah suami saya dipanggil 'Sue' (jenuh minta tukar tapi dia orang dah selesa panggil camtu), sebelah saya, saya dipanggil 'Ela'.

Saya yang hitam..

Saya ni bila mai angin rajin mesti saya godek segala macam benda. Dan semestinya buat entry berkepuk-kepuk seharian. Tak terkecuali bebaru ni pi cari gambaq² lama. Gambaq zaman kecik² dulu, gambaq ahli keluarga yang dah tiada. Nostalgia sungguh.

Kat workstation saya ni lengkap dengan segala bagai termasuk satu printer HP 3 in 1. Dah boleh buat office di rumah gayanya. Lama gak saya tak pakai HP printer tu sebab saya ingat dia punya kabel dok kat tempat lain. Rupanya dok di belakang PC ni ja. Punya la ignorant sebelum ni.

Dah dapat gambaq, re-install balik printer drive, saya pun mulalah kerja mengimbas gambar. Antara yang saya jumpa:

Saya dengan sepupu. Saya pakai gaun, dia pakai baju merah. Beza kami setahun je. Dia memang cerah orangnya sebab mak dia orang Cina.


Masa ni tak tau berapa bulan. Gelap kan...


Mak kata saya anak paling berat. Muka saya masa ni macam muka ayah saya.


Ni gambar outdoor dalam keadaan cahaya yang terang. Tapi gambaq dedolu ni memang 'sephia' kan..

La ni saya tak tau la saya hitam ke idak. Dulu berganda sket skala kehitamannya sebab saya ni aktif sport. Banding sket tengok:


Saja je tak nak bagi nampak penuh muka sendiri. Konon² misteri la tu. Tu la antara sebab saya tak selesa pi gath sebabnya lepas jumpa tu langsung dah tak misteri lagi.. huk³! Saya ni jenis suka ambil gambar orang tapi saya sendiri tak suka bergambar. Nak banding kulit dengan anak teruna saya sendiri pun kalah.








p/s : Saya tak dapat pi gath Sarakids jugak sebab ada walimah keluarga yang perlu diutamakan.

5 months free without shunt revision

It has been 5 months Syafiah is free from any shunt revision up until today. It is approximately 151 days since her 3rd shunt revision which was on January 16, 2009. Alhamdulillah as this is the longest shunt usage so far.

Her 1st shunt placement was on June 11, 2008. Approximate usage was 140 days until the 1st shunt revision which was done on October 29, 2008. 2nd shunt revision was done after 44 days from the 1st revision with the longest stay in HSB (12 days). The shortest was between 2nd shunt revision and 3rd shunt revision, which was 35 days only.

The reasons of failure are various:-

1) 1st revision - supoptimal shunt function, swelling around reservoir & shunt compressible but slow refilling.








2) 2nd revision - shunt infection.

Switch the shunt from right to left side. She has both 'karipap' on her head. Her hair was fully shaved by a Chinese specialist! (yang hensem tu.. huhu!)


I tell you, stitches were opened without any drugs.

3) 3rd revision - blockage at the distal end.

Post operation on 16 January 2009.


Before she was brought home on 19 January 2009.

So far, she has gone through 7 operations - 3 EVDs, 1 shunt placement and 3 shunt revisions with 6 times of CT scan! I can't imagine how is it like to be on the bed in the operation theater so many times. She is indeed a survivor and tough fighter! I don't think I can't make it and have a spirit like hers.

This is her today (dengan kepala yang grunge sebab kemek!). Just look at her left hand, has to be straighten by HO.

This is one of the "why" I don't push her and expect her to be what I want her to be (i.e. should do this and this, at certain age). She went so much of ups and downs. At one time her left side couldn't move at all, but now they could move actively. I pray and hope that this shunt will last longer and miracles would happen along the way, insyaAllah.. ameen!







p.s. : Mak dia yang tak tahan dok spital sebenarnya. Masa 3rd revision tu saya surrender habis. Badan sakit, selsema. Though HSB boleh kira selesa untuk yang menunggu, tapi saya tetap juga sakit.

What's with the name?

I was resting on the patient bed when suddenly my husband said, "Assalamu’alaikum". He entered the room. My bed was at the middle. On my right there’s skinny lady who just had her c-section that night before. Nobody accompanied her. Not long after that her bed filled with her relatives. I guess they were from Negeri Sembilan from the way they talked to each other. *Derang gelak tak hengat kawan yang sakit tu. Dah la nak jalan pun kena pegang perut. Pray that I won’t experience c-sect in my life, insyaAllah, ameennn!*. There's an empty bed on my left. They asked me where's my baby. I told them that she was in another hospital.

I felt disturbed by the sounds of people talking loudly but at the same time trying to calm myself down. I tried to divert my attention to something else. My husband brought 2 books. I couldn’t remember the title of one of them. Another one was babies’ name book. Honestly, we haven’t selected any name for our 3rd child! No.. I'm not that kinda person who excited to give name to unborn baby, who set his/her name early.

I could switch my brain part easily. From being disturbed by the sound of people talking, to browsing the book. I reminded my husband that this time was his turn to give name to our little princess. I would only give my opinion whether I liked it or not. First criteria - easy to pronounce. Second - it must have no word as below. Third - it should be short *kang panjang² panggil Ela, Awa, Nen jugak. Contoh je la. Tak de kena-mengena dengan yang telah mati atau pun masih hidup :P*. First he chose – Safiyah.

"Sod is not easy to pronounce la dear. Later on the meaning would be different if we pronounce it wrongly". No.. no….. no ﻉ (such as for 'Ali, Fu'ad, 'Adil), no ﺙ (such as Athir), no ﺹ (such as Safiyah), no ﻕ (such as Khair, AfiQ), no ﻁ (such as Tahir), no ﺽ (such as Afdal), no ﺥ (such as Akhtar), no ﺡ (such as Hamidah) no pleasee.... *cerewetnyeeee*. I believe that old generation, and even us, would face difficulties in pronouncing names with those words. For example 'Ali. The correct way to pronounce it is by pressing the word 'Ain and not Alif *salah sebut makna lari beb. Makhraj kena betul. Apa yang kita panggil bakal jadi doa pada si anak*.

Rasullullah saw bersabda maksudnya:

"Sesungguhnya kamu akan diseru pada hari kiamat dengan nama-nama kamu, dan nama-nama bapa kamu, maka indahkan nama kamu itu" (HR Abu Daud)

"Namakanlah dengan nama para Nabi, dan nama yang paling Allah sukai ialah nama Abdullah dan Abdurrahman, dan nama yang paling benar ialah Harith dan Humaam, dan nama yang paling buruk ialah Harb dan Murrah" (HR Abi Wahab al-Jasyimi)

Later my husband chose Syafiah. "Syafiah.. Syafiah..", I spoke slowly to myself. Piece of cake, easy to pronounce. Let's look at the meaning – 'penawar (not knowing that later she'd be an antidote to herself and her family), yang memadai'. Frankly, I have difficulties in pronouncing it first few days! I don’t know why.

Yesterday while browsing for Jawi converter, I've found an interesting fact about her name. It's one of Rasulullah's (pbuh) wives' names! Her complete name was Shafiyyah (different way to write. The important thing is pronunciation in Arab) binti Huyay bin Akhtab bin Sa’yah bin Amir bin Ubaid bin Kaab bin al-Khazraj bin Habib bin Nadhir bin al-Kham bin Yakhurn dari keturunan Harun bin Imra. She was a Jews (her father was one of the leader for Bani Nadhir) before converting to Islam and got married to Rasulullah pbuh. Her interesting story could be read here.

When I was in Q-dees I've found a lot of students with the name of Danish, Danial, Adam, Ammar, Haikal, for example. Danish Danial, Danial Haikal, Ammar Haikal, Adam Fareeq, Adam Harith. These names are so common nowadays. They sound so sweet but it's a bit hard to memorize their similar names and to recognize their faces. I couldn't imagine how they'd be remembered in primary school where there are a lot more students!

And with no exception, our son – Adam. But Adam has only one name and he'd be in front of others as his name start with AD *ada lagi ke mak pak nak letak AB sekarang ni? Yes.. I've known one i.e. Abdullah Syaakir!*. I'll consider Nuh, Hud, Huda, Hana, Mu'adz ('Ain, but I just love this name.. entah kenapa. Sebelum saya suka penyanyi Mu'adz tu lagi. Mu'adz adalah salah seorang sahabat Nabi saw juga) for my next child!! *berangan tak abih aku ni!!

So, what is your criteria in choosing your kid's name? Mind to share... ?

24 hours to live...

She has only 24 hours to live. The future was uncertain. The world was gloomy and suddenly turned to nowhere to go. I was not ready for a life long battle. Indeed, it was one of the saddest days in our lives.

She was a healthy baby in the womb. We, and even my gynae, could not predict that she'd born as a preterm baby. Even worst, we did not know her gender until she was born (her positions varies everytime we 'looked' at her). Everything was ok and everything happened so fast too! This journey was and is actually her destiny! She chose to be the one.

On that particular day, specifically on Wednesday, 16 January 2008, I received a phone call from HSB around 3 pm, required me to be in NICU immediately. The nurse who called me spoke gently and called me twice. I said I've to wait for my husband. My husband came back around 4.30 pm and immediately brought me to the hospital. I was resting at home alone. Mom was in Mekah, MIL took care of my kids at her house.

At NICU, one of the nurses came and took my blood. I was really calm. Dr. S came to us and asked us to sit on a sofa at one corner nearby the pantry. We waited. Then about half an hour she came again and explained what's going on with our daughter. I did not cry just yet!

I was so emotional when I looked at her condition. I could remember her chubby cheeks the first day she was born, turned to be so skinny. Pale. Almost no blood at all. Wires and drugs were everywhere to be seen. And not to forget the breathing support machine too. No reaction at all.

There were several complications. She stopped to breath (apnea), lungs hemorrhage (one of the vessels in her lung suddenly exploded) and when she lost her blood, meaning she lost the oxygen too. The oxygen is significant for all body parts especially the brain. Consequently, it led to a brain injury called intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH). As a result of this condition, her CSF couldn't be absorbed naturally as the blood clot has obstructed the channel.

I tried to control my emotion as much as I could as I knew that she'd feel the same way too. Dr. S came to me and pat on my shoulder trying to console me. I knew that I've to be strong and showed her how much we supported for her to continue living. Once in a while I would cry quietly - in the pantry while breast pumping, in the waiting room but it must be not in front of her. I tried to justify on what should I do next and what would happen to our lives in future.

I could not stay in HSB that night as the bed was full. To rest, me and my husband would stay for a while in the waiting room. Dr IH, the head allowed us to be in HSB for unlimited period and he even spoke to the guard to let us in whenever we liked to be in. He said to the guard that our daughter was in a critical condition.

I entered and exited NICU many times. At one time around 9 pm, we met Dr IH when he was checking and examining Syafiah. He explained that in next 24 hours was a very crucial period. That she might only have 24 hours to live. They have to monitor her very closely. I also noticed that he set the breathing machine to the max. He said it was necessary since her lungs was very weak after the complications but at the same time, he was afraid of the consequence, the lungs might collapse! If it was collapsed then there's nothing more that they and we could do.

I waited and prayed all the time. Deep inside my heart I was badly hurt. I was helpless as I could not perform Hajat prayer and could not recite Quran too (more to calm myself down), mom was unreachable, only left my husband and God to turn myself to. We returned home on 12 am with heavy hearts. If I stay, I could not rest properly, if I go home, I would leave our daughter there. But even if I stay, there's nothing much I could do except for waiting and watching her (plus doa continuously). We left it for Allah swt to take care of her.

When she survived that night I realized that she could make it and survive another night. I knew that she has the determination to continue and fight for her life. To see her determination, it has lifted my spirit up. I must be strong for her and I should not be defeated by a small baby who is a tough fighter. She herself is a miracle sent by God to us.

I'm glad today that I did that for Syafiah. We've been through one of the saddest days in our lives and we wish a future full of joy and miracles ahead! InsyaAllah.. ameen...




I wrote an entry yesterday and deleted it few minutes after that. If you guys have read it, please forgive me for showing my stupidity (again and again!).

2 things will happen tomorrow...

First - Syafiah

Syafiah will have her eye exam tomorrow morning. Her appointment card stated 'cyclo ra'.

Syafiah has her 1st eye screening at NICU as she was born premature. At first, it was just an ROP screening but her result turned out to be Stage II, Zone III on which she didn't have to undergo any treatment as her eyes will regressive from time to time. They did. Her retinal vascular maturity is complete. Now the problem is she sometimes focus on object, sometimes not.

What is a cycloplegic eye exam?

Answer :
A complete eye exam by an eye doctor has many components. It generally begins with the doctor talking to you to get a full history, which includes finding out the reason for your visit, learning about your overall health, getting a list of the medications you are taking (both oral and drops) and discussing any previous eye conditions or surgeries.

Then, the doctor usually measures your visual acuity, followed by an examination of your pupils, visual fields and eye movements. For people who report difficulty with their vision, a refraction is performed. A refraction is a test to determine the strength of glasses needed to optimize one's vision.

If the patient is under 16, the doctor may then repeat the refraction using "cycloplegic" drops to temporarily paralyze the ciliary muscles used to focus the eyes. This procedure, called a cycloplegic refraction, can be an important tool in helping eye doctors obtain accurate vision readings in frightened or squirming children. The results of the cycloplegic refraction are compared with the results from the initial refraction to arrive at the lens prescription needed to correct the patient's vision.

Read more on Glossary of Eye Terminology and here.

In medicine, particularly optometry and ophthalmology, refraction (also known as refractometry) is a clinical test in which a phoropter may used by an optometrist to determine the eye's refractive error and the best corrective lenses to be prescribed. A series of test lenses in graded optical powers or focal lengths are presented to determine which provide the sharpest, clearest vision.

In Illinois, USA, the state law requires eye exams for children enrolling for the first time in Illinois schools went into effect on January 1, 2008.

Quoted from the site:

There are four critical periods in the growth of a child’s vision: (1) preterm, (2) perinatal or infantile period, (3) preschool years, and (4) elementary.

Preterm infants are at risk of developing retinopathy of prematurity (ROP) and pediatricians are aware of the guidelines for referral to an ophthalmologist for ROP screening. Preterm babies with ROP should be screened by an ophthalmologist at regular intervals until retinal vascular maturity is complete. Laser treatment should be instituted when indicated. It is not safe to assume that babies born full term will not develop eye problems such as cataract, glaucoma, strabismus, and anterior segment dysgenesis. These are the conditions that should be looked for when screening healthy infants.

Preschoolers are likewise not safe from developing eye problems because it is during this stage that conditions such as strabismus, high error of refractions, anisometropia, and amblyopia start to manifest. Amblyopia treatment should be instituted right away.

Lastly, children in grade school or elementary should be screened for refractive errors like hyperopia, myopia, astigmatism, or any combination of these. Children are not small adults; they cannot verbalize what they feel (or see) most of the time. Parents only notice the change in behavior or head posture when the child is already symptomatic.

Dr. Wexler recommends the following guidelines for suggested eye exam schedules for children:

* At 6 months
* At 3 years
* At 5 years or just prior to entering Kindergarten
* Then, every 2 years

Unfortunately, there's no such program in Malaysia. Syafiah is lucky as she was born premature, so that we could check her eyes frequently. I just hope that the result will be on our sides, even though it is mean that she will have to wear spectacles in future! (all my nieces and nephews do! Genetic? *sigh*)

Dilating drops tu pun ada effeknya.. baca sini. Hish.. mana la pakcik Jingga ni... pakcik Jingga kan eye resident! Mungkin pakcik Jingga tak tahu cerita Syafiah dah pindah sini kot!


Second - Mastura

Mastura will have her trip to National Zoo tomorrow morning too. This trip is scheduled by her kinder. She has to be in school as early as always i.e. 7.30am and only will be back around 3.00 pm. We need to arrange for her transportation to return home as the pakcik usually fetch her home around 11.30am. She's excited! Talking about it non-stop.

I remember my kinder trip to Taiping Zoo, sitting on the stone crocs at the lake garden. Main gelongsor.. I still have the photos. When we returned, there's something happened to our coaster. There was not any flame but the water tank exploded. Luckily I was sitting at the back. My friends who were sitting in front got blistered by hot water. Terus singgah di klinik kesihatan nearby. Tapi tulah orang dulu.. mana reti nak saman² sekolah ni. Semua selamat. Awis, one of my friends in the photos is now resting in peace. He died young, around 24 due to an accident in his work place.

I hope she'll remember the trip the way I do!

A hectic journey...

Be physically and mentally prepared. You might need a booster. These pictures were taken from Syafiah's appointment cards, 3 cards to be exact within 1 1/2 years period. Except for surgeries and 77 days being warded in NICU, I haven't counted the number she went to HSB for appointments. It demands a lot of efforts, sacrifice and energy.

Just look at the 'bear'. A masterpiece by either Adam or Mastura

There are 4 more appointments after 24/03/09. They are occupational therapies on 07/04/09 and 27/04/09. Another neuro appointment is scheduled on 07/07/09, plus her jab appointment on 25/04/09 (DEMC's appointment card is different).

In the cards you can also see some of unknown remarks such as STO (stitches to open) & TCA (I'm not sure of this term). We're lucky that Syafiah is a healthy girl, where she never admitted in the ward as a medical patient (lung infection or high fever), or else the list will be even longer. Hydrocephalics might have seizures and I pray God won't choose her to be one of them. So far, alhamdulillah, there's no signs (this is what I'm afraid of). My heart felt for Sarah and Violet, read Violet's recent story.

Eventhough it's just begin, it's indeed a roller coaster ride and hectic journey! And I'm grateful to be one of the chosen ones.



p/s : Thank you, Mr. Hubby. Without his endless support, I can't imagine how is it like to go through this process. He attended most of the appointments with Syafiah, whilst as I need to take care of Adam and Mastura (she's a preschooler). Most of the appointment scheduled in the morning. Mastura needs to attend to school and I've to wait for her to return at home. We've to juggle and timely organized. And indeed, we've to be fair to each kid.